Listings of Transparencies.........

2011-11-13T08:31:00.003-05:00

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/jamiesramblings

New blog. The only thing constant is change. I needed more than what blogspot could offer. Don't worry: it will be the same types of posts :)

2011-11-08T13:12:00.000-05:00

http://www.wdbj7.com/news/wdbj7-missing-girl-may-be-in-company-of-fired-bedford-county-deputy-20111107,0,1410103.story

I'm not going to lie.....this pisses me off and a I am done pretending like nothing happened. I don't know what my role is as a fellow church member to this guy, but I am no longer okay with being associated with him or wasting prescious time worrying about him when there's tons of other people who didn't bring hardship on themselves, to worry about.

Its been awhile......but I feel like a poem would do me good.

2011-11-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

tight chest
watery eyes
clouded mind

the wall

dripping doubts
screaming fears
overwhelming insecurities

the wall

futile fights
abusive silence
nonexistent words

the wall

stoic stare
pursed lips
clenched teeth

the wall

heavy chest
tired eyes
empty mind

the wall
pounding on it
the wall
screaming at it
the wall
clawing at it
the wall
crying to it
the wall
collapsing beside it
the wall
walking away from it

How to be with a Brown boy............

2011-11-06T09:39:00.001-05:00

Certain men require a certain type of girl. The Brown family is one of those families that has produced a bunch of boys that need a strong-willed, thick-skinned, and independent woman in order to survive, yes survive, the turrent of emotions that come with a relationship with one of these special men.
A few rules for dating/marrying/surviving the Browns:

1) A true BG must be independent because she will need to find her own happiness in life. If you're going to be with a B you must be indpendently minded and self-preserving. These boys, while loyal, will be distant emotionally and you must be able to stand on your own two feet. Finding sole happiness in any person is a dangerous practice, but is extremely insane when that person has the last name Brown. I would suggest a career or a group of friends ouside of your relationship to help fill these emotional needs.

2) A true BG must be thick-skinned. These boys would kill/fight/die for the women they love. That rough n' tough personality comes with drawbacks, though. They will say things and do things that will hurt you (unintentionally). A sensitive-flower of a girl will wilt and fade in the presence of these men when they are angry or frustrated.

3) A true BG must be strong-willed. These boys have BIG personalities. Its their way or the highway 99% of the time. You must be able to stand toe to toe with them and not underneath their feet. They need a healthy dose of "no's" in their lives as they very rarely hear it. They will balk at first but will grow to respect your firmness even though they will NEVER admit it.

A true Brown girl comes out with more scars than smiles sometimes, but we're tough. Even though love sometimes takes you through hell and back keeping the love of a Brown boy is worth a fight with the Devil himself. A beautiful, fellow BG said the following about the love we feel for this group of boys: "There are no ultimatums, deadlines, or convincing in love. If you love someone and want to be with them, you just be with them and things happen when and as they should."

Father Daughter Run

2011-10-30T08:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I helped my daddy complete his first 5k ever and I can honestly say I haven't had that much fun in awhile. I felt more fulfilled and at peace by his side, in the cold rain then I have in a very long time. I was honored to have him introduce me as his daughter to friends I didn't know and I was honored to have people know he was my daddy and we did this race together.

I came to the conclusion that since my parents divorce I have not allowed myself to unabashedly and fully enjoy the company of one parent out of fear of hurting the other parent's feelings. Neither Mama nor Daddy has ever done anything to make me think this would actually happen, but nonetheless, it makes me very reserved in how I enjoy my parents.

Well, I say it has to stop. I don't know how long ANY of us will be here and I am going to love and enjoy each person in my life with 100%.

Sigh

2011-10-27T19:10:00.000-04:00

I love children, but I'm bored/stressed/frustrated with teaching. I want an exciting job, but I want to be at home more. I want to have a family......one day, but I want to be a successful, strong, independent woman.

I want
I want
I want
I want

What does God want for me?

Heartbreak and Bench Presses

2011-10-24T07:34:00.000-04:00

This past week an inundation of heartbreaks have filled my life. Every time I turn around there's another story at school of a child with a circumstance that I could never imagine, a brother in Christ took a fall that has impacted hundreds, and a good friend lost his cousin who left a 10 year girl without a mother or a father. I will be late for work today because all I can do is cry for these people. My spirit is at a loss for words and all I can muster are tears. In my blubbering God gave me these verses for my devotional reading this morning:

Hebrews 12: 7-11 God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; its training, the moral experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like its going against the grain. later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for its the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

I didn't complete my half-marathon last year or get to curling 20 lbs weights by sitting on the couch. It took pain and tears to accomplish those goals. Why on earth would I think becoming Christ-like would simply consist of reading passages in the bible and praying hard? It takes application to what I've learned. It takes getting dirty with other's heartbreak, pain, and shame. It takes using my own heartbreak to know that all I have in the end is God. When my spirit and soul are sore and tired it means the same thing as when my abs are sore and tired: they are firming up and becoming stronger. Adversity is awful, but knowing God is there to take the adversity and turn it into a lesson to make you more like Him, makes it easier to deal with.

I am not trivializing the pain those families are going through. I can only sympathize and guess the magnitude of their suffering. God does not create bad things. The fact is we live in a fallen world run by the Prince of Darkness that is hell-bent on destroying God's children. However, we know in the end the battle has been won and God can/does/will make good come out of all evil/sadness/sin.

A Teacher's Purpose

2011-09-26T06:54:00.001-04:00

They showed this video at church yesterday and it truly put into perspective what my purpose was in life. God has blessed me with parents, grandparents, friends, cousins, a brother, and a husband that have poured love into me my whole life. I have never been in want for safety, love and care. Its time for me to share all that has been poured into me on my students.

God wants to heal the hearts of the hundreds of hurting children that I speak to everyday. God loves these kids so much that he wants them to be at peace and feel his love and acceptance. What an honor it is to be a part of a such a beautiful thing. God trusts me with his most precious and how careless I have been with their sacred hearts up to this point. I have a hope that I can offer them. I have a God that wants to be the father, mother, and friend they may have never had.

I want to love them the best I can and the best God helps me to love them. I want these children to find rest and peace for at least the time they have in my classroom. I want them to know they can't earn my love that its already there because I have the heart of my Father.

Dear 14 year old me:

2011-09-11T09:08:00.000-04:00

My creative writing kids were asked to write anything they could about 9/11 at the beginning of class, yesterday. I always try and write with them as much as I can and here's what I had to say:

Dear 14 year old me,

I am writing to you to prepare you for what’s to come. I know you just woke up and it feels like any normal September day, but it’s not. I know the biggest worry on your mind right now is if the sophomore boy you see every day on the way to 2nd period is going to notice that you paid special attention to your makeup. After 3rd period you won’t have time to think about him or your make up.

You will be standing in the lunch line when you will feel a tap on your shoulder. Holly will be standing there with her curls and glasses and a worried look on her face. She will say that the twin towers were blown up. You will have to stop and think what the twin towers are and you will remember a sweatshirt Mama bought when she was in NYC that has them on the front. You will be confused and Holly will have no answers. Lunch will be eaten as normal.

You will make your way to World History and Mrs. Lipscomb will have the tv on and she will have been crying. You will be even more confused, but once she calms down she will tell you exactly what happened. They will not cancel school. So don’t even get excited about that. You will still have basketball practice, too. You and I both know nothing short of the apocalypse will make basketball cancelled.

The pentagon will be attacked and you will be worried because Daddy is supposed to be in DC and in that very building. Don’t fret over that. Something will come up and he will not make his trek to the capital that day. There will be many stories where people just did something a little different that day or were late or were sick and it saved their lives.

When you get home the news will be on and it will be talking about a man called Osama. His name will be a household name in the next few days and will stay that way for the next ten years. He is the reason all of this will happen, but he will get his in the end. You will watch the sadness, fear and anger come across Mama, Daddy, Mikey, and Pen-Pen and you will finally understand what a tragedy this incident has been.

Ten years from now you will be married to a wonderful man and this event, which will be referred to as 9.11, will have more of an effect on you than you thought it would. When you watch wives cry for their lost husbands you will cry with them because you will know how much you can love and how much it would hurt to lose. When you hear tales of heroism on this day you will cry with the survivors as you think of what it would take to give your life for someone and have someone do it for you.

Today is not a normal day, 14 year old me. Not a normal day at all.

Romans 14:13

2011-08-17T06:58:00.000-04:00

Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is.

I never thought of being critical as making life more difficult. I always thought it was meant to make them a better person.

I am rethinking what and how I say things.

The Wedding of Jill

2011-08-13T07:16:00.000-04:00

Jill Leda is getting married and I am happy for her. She has truly changed (all for the good) since meeting her husband Matt. The only fault I can find in this union is her new name is going to be ridiculous and as a teacher I feel sorry for my nieces and nephews.

Love you, Jill-i-ann. Through thick and thin you're still my sister and I am so happy I AM going to cry for you today.

And now the pressure is off Luke and myself to have children :) I always said I wanted to be an aunt before a mother....so, get on that Jill and Matt and congrats!

A Dog's Purpose

2011-08-10T06:43:00.000-04:00

One of my best friends tried to convince me I should read A Dog's Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron. I balked at her suggestion simply because I assumed it was a cheesy, feel good, pet-lovers story. However, I decided to give it shot and was sorely mistken in my assumption that it was an Ol' Yeller, sob story. The novel is told in first person through the eyes of a dog. This dog is reincarnated many times in order to find his perfect purpose. Even though it sounds much like a symbol for Hinduism, it isn't once you get to the ending. I can't tell you the ending, though, because that's obviously the best part!

And of course it made me even more obsessed with Duke-Boy.

As Duke is quickly approaching the 1 1/2 year old mark we are seeing the puppy slowly ebb out of him. Some days he still seems 6 mos. old, but we are now catching glimpses of the adult dog he is trying to be. Don't all adolescents do that? Struggle with mom for independence, but cry and shake in her arms when they're scared?

With his more adult behaviors I am seeing a different type of attachment. This attachment to Luke and myself goes beyond seeing us as a source of food and shelter. He WANTS us around. Duke is beginning to show signs that he doesn't just want human attention but specifically his Mama and Daddy's. He loves visiting Grammy Pen Pen and Grandaddy, but he would rather be with us. He loves the old man and his wife next door, but would rather play with us. He is finally showing us specific affection that I was worried would never come.

It was never more apparent than this morning. Luke left early on a trip to MA and got up the same time he always does for work. However, Duke knew it meant something different. Generally, Duke only honors his daddy's going to work by sticking his nose out of his dog house on the porch and then grunts for him to turn the light off so he can continue sleeping. This morning I went out there to bring Duke inside to say goodbye to Luke. Without a second thought he bolted inside ran straight to the side door that us humans use to come inside and outside the house. He sat, with his butt against the door, shaking. He knew one or both of us was leaving and was not having any of it. When Luke made Duke move Duke proceeded to sit on my foot and/or lean against me no matter where I went in the house. If he couldn't stop Daddy from leaving, then Mama wasn't going anywhere. My poor little man was distraught with the thought of us leaving again (we were on vacation last week). Duke usually will choose being outside over being inside unless its super cold or at night when Luke and I are watching tv, but this morning he refused to go into the yard at all. He knew as long as he was in the house one of us was staying.

I knew he was intelligent, but didn't know he understood things that deeply.

Currently, Duke is alternately chewing on his bone (glancing up occasionally to make sure I am following his orders by not leaving) and going to the door looking out in hopes that Luke has changed his mind. There's no bitterness that we left him last week with Grammy and Grandaddy only an overwhelming sense of devotion. He is slowly falling into his role and as protector to us and not just the yard. His purpose is to protect Mama and Daddy. I could cry when I look into those big brown eye's at the realization of how much his whole existence is centered around my husband and me.

I LOVE MY DOG!

blah

2011-08-09T07:45:00.000-04:00

Pretty sure I am still a basket case of all that has to be done. Usually I handle stress really well, but for some reason this week is weighing heavy on my shoulders. There's so much to do. Luke is leaving tomorrow morning and there's a huge part of me that wants him here to help me even though I know he deserves to leave earlier than me. He's gone so much anyway its hard to part with him voluntarily.

Only fellow teachers understand the stresses of a new school year and how its compounded when you're in a new environment. I am also teaching a new prep without much guidance and filling the shoes of a teacher who was AWESOME. No pressure.

Unfortunately, I am no longer excited as I was yesterday; I am just overwhelmed.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Pray. Breathe in. Breathe out. Pray. Breathe in. Breath out. Pray.

Clean Slate

2011-08-08T07:49:00.000-04:00

I've never embarked on something completely new and uncharted. I am starting a new job at Liberty High School (not affiliated with Liberty University). I will be with new administration, new colleagues and new students. At Rustburg nothing was ever that unfamiliar. I truly am shaking in anticipation, fear and excitement. I know that this job will allow me to see if I am the teacher everyone claims I am and what I doubt I really can be. We shall see.

2011-07-27T10:52:00.001-04:00

http://healthyeatingindixieland.blogspot.com/2011/07/bbq-pork-chops-fried-squash-and.html

my other blog about cooking :)

blah

2011-07-27T09:23:00.003-04:00

Two steps forward and one step back :(

It Doesn't Make Sense Until Jesus' Prayers Are For You

2011-07-24T08:38:00.001-04:00

It's easy to impersonalize the Bible. It's easy to see that Jesus cared about winning people over to God in general and prayed for sinners in general. Generalization is what my head sees when I see phrases like "all unbelievers" and "believers".

"Jamie" is never written in the Bible, but I have to believe that when Jesus died he was thinking of all of us by name. He wasn't just thinking: "And also be with everyone born in AD 1987 in the Month of April." No, he was thinking: "God, please be with my dear sister, Jamie, who will be born April 4, 1987 at 8:09 AM. Be with her through her trials and keep her safe in her journey finding you and me. Help her to see how much we love her and let her know that these nails in my hands are so she can live. I can't wait to meet her and see her beautiful brown eyes for the first time. God, please keep your precious daughter in your care."

When you think of it that way it sends chills up your spine. My devotional this morning gave John 17:20-23, 26 for scripture this morning. Its Jesus' prayer to God for believers. The author of the book had the reader insert their name for the pronouns Jesus uses to help drive home how huge this prayer was and how personal Jesus was being. For me it read something like this:

(v20-23) I'm praying not only for Jamie but also for those who will believe in me because of Jamie and her witness about me. The goal is for all of them to become one heart and mind just as you, father, are in me and I in you, so Jamie might be one heart and mind with us. Then the world might believe that you, in fact, sent me. The same glory you game me, I gave Jamie, so she can be as unified and together as we are; I in her and you in me. Then she'll be mature in this oneness, and give the godless world evidence that you've sent me and loved her in the same way you've loved me........(v. 26) I have made your very being known to her, who you are and what you do, and continue to make it known, so that your love for me might be in Jamie exactly as I am in Jamie.

that's awesome :)

"A Baby Changes Everything"

2011-07-22T10:05:00.000-04:00

That title is from a Faith Hill song that Luke quotes every time a baby is mentioned. Sometimes he sings the line if I'm luck/unlucky.

I digress.

If you've been reading my posts over the past couple years you'll see that my outlook on motherhood has slowly grown more and more appreciative rather than condescending and fearful. I find it pretty cool these days to create something and then expel it from your womb.

Coolest one to date is my friend's baby, Mikaela. Beth, started trying to have this babe a year ago and it looked like it might not happen. I prayed and prayed and prayed for her and her husband to get pregnant and they did! I prayed for her health for a healthy,beautiful baby and they had one!

This birth is really cool to me because it truly is the answer of prayers materializing in front of me :) :) :)

Airing your family laundry........

2011-07-21T10:08:00.000-04:00

So, I've learned my lesson in regards to bashing people via blogspot. It only causes turmoil and really isn't the right thing to do. The more I grow up the more I see how cowardice it is to do so. However, today I will make an exception since the person I wish to say these things to has shut herself away completely.

I have become much more contemplative as I mature. I am beginning to have adult thoughts and make adult decisions. Luke and I bought a house so we can invest in something, we paid off all of our credit cards so that we can have a good savings account, and I took a job closer to home so Luke and I can start a family in the next year or two....or three. Along with these "adult" decisions comes an adult mindset (for the most part) 99% of the time. I look at people's decisions through the lenses of adulthood and not the inwardly-driven, glasses of a child. The following big-girl-pants-thought is heavy on my mind and heart this morning:

Being a parent automatically forces you to be the bigger person.

There's a certain situation on my side of the family where someone very close to me has never met his grandkids (yeah, I cry typing this). I am sure he has done wrongs in his life to cause his daughter to feel "justified" in this, but she has also done her fair share of wrongs and sometimes her claims and stories don't check out in regards to why he has never met his beautiful granddaughter and handsome grandson.

So there's the story. Its not my place to judge whether or not either of them is right or wrong. That's not my argument. My argument is that she claims it would hurt the children by having contact with him. Seriously? Do you tihnk my dad, SUPER COP, would allow my brother and I to live with a man that was dangerous? Do you think my dad would respect a man who had anything less than love for my brother and I in his heart? Nope. Was my stepdad always the man he is today? No, but I have not always been the young woman I am today, either.

As I think about having children I think about how it is truly the meshing of two lives. Yes, he or she is YOUR child, but they are some else's niece/nephew, cousin, and grandchild. As a parent you have the responsibility of making sure these people have the relationships they have earned with this kid. Despite the arguments that I occasionally get into with my inlaws (I know, I know....its crazy....I am SOO easy to get along with), I would NEVER take away something as beautiful as a grandchild or niece/nephew from them. That is not my place. The child is part their's. He or she has their blood running through him/her.My future child is a part of them just as much as a part of me.

My Mikey will be upset knowing I typed this. He wants all of this to go away. I believe, however, he needs a voice. For once in his life he needs someone that will help him fight his battles, because I am not sure his family ever did this for him. Well, I am in his corner now and I've got a mean right-hook.

So, she-who-will-not-be-named, I promised you I wouldn't judge your decision, but I lied. I spoke to you out of love and stretched out the olive branch which you turned down. When that happened you lost a very powerful ally. You've successfully gained an enemy that has more passion and fire than you ever dreamed of having and has more love and devotion to her family (and future children) than you could ever wish to have.

This is me being completely transparent. You've now seen the biting, harsh side of me, readers. I hope it doesn't change your view of who I am and if it does....I really don't care.

Two Posts In One..........Again

2011-07-19T08:42:00.000-04:00

Post #1:

I am always trying to make healthy choices in terms of what I eat. For the most part I do a really good job. However, I would like to do an even better job of putting unnatural things in my body. Its so hard, though. It has taken me over a year to not have to think about making healthy choices in foods. Its finally coming second nature to not be ridicolous. I still am using a lot of frozen veggies, meats, and, while healthy, non-organic snacks that are full of preservatives, etc. etc. I would like to change that. So far I have been using organic milk for awhile because the ultra-pasturized lasts a long time. I haven't gotten to the point of using all fresh veggies and whatnot. For two reasons: one, they go bad because Luke doesn't share my goal and two, I don't have time to go to the grocery store every other day to get what I need so they DON'T go bad. For next summer I have toyed with the idea of having my own garden. That would save us money and time. Maybe Mama and Granny can teach me how to can. Is canning allowed in the all-natural world? Any ideas?

I would also like to reduce my carbon footprint because I am worse than bigfoot when it comes to making my mark on the world. My goal for that is to start bringing my own grocery bags (which I always forget). Baby steps. I am not quite ready to make my own tampons and pads yet. I am still carbon foot-printing all over the place when it comes to those essentials.

Any ideas on convincing Luke to eat healthy, natural, and stop stomping on the environment?

Post #2

Its amazing how I can never pinpoint the source of my depression until I go to church after missing two weeks. I am always happier when I go to church and I feel at peace. Something inside of me screams out and is lost when I don't get fed on a weekly basis. My relationship with others is better AND my relationship with Luke. My quiet time has meaning and my prayers are heartfelt. Its such a simple fix, but most times I am too dumb to realize it.

Verse I read today that made me feel good: John 8:1-11.

Transparencies

2011-07-13T09:42:00.001-04:00

As you all know I value being transparent more than what you think of me. With that said: here goes.
Here lately I have been slacking on the spiritual department. I've been drinking too much (more than the occasional glass of wine with dinner) and not the sweet wife I usually am (ha!). I have been putting God on the back burner when I should be more thankful than ever right now and show Him the utmost gratitude. Unfortunately, we are all more willing to seek God when we feel furthest from Him. It takes us feeling crappy to have the light bulb go off and realize we need the Big Man's advice. Today, I actually asked God what my problem (one of my problems) was/were and the answer I got was:

"Be still."

God wasn't talking about sitting still either. I can do that for hours if the right TV show marathon is on. No, he was talking about clearing my mind and devoting a section of day solely to His voice. Maybe He doesn't understand that I seriously cannot not think. I cannot clear my mind and allow God to speak to me. I physically cannot do it. Who am I kidding? OF COURSE He understands this. He's freakin' God.

For the next week I am going to sit in silence for 30 seconds and attempt to clear my mind. If that goes well then I am going to up it to a minute and so on and so on. I think God is trying to teach me that 30 seconds with Him will heal me much faster than two hours in a Christian devotional book.

Lost Sheep

2011-07-12T11:44:00.000-04:00

Here lately I have been irritable, slipping back into a lot of my pre-Jesus ways, and fighting with Luke.
I have felt less and less pursued and desired as the years have progressed. I think my irritability rests in my heart pushing away God. I don't think its all Luke's fault. I think there's a big chunk of me relying on Luke to give me what I need to rely on God for. God is my rescuer, protector, and God is where I will find ultimate peace and security.

God is the good Shepherd that leaves 99 sheep to rescue me in the wilderness. When he does find me he doesn't scold me or make me feel stupid for being lost. No, he rejoices because he has been reunited with what's rightfully his and with the person that he loves the most. I fight being rescued so hard. I always want to be the hero and the rescuer. I want to be the fixer. i feel as if being rescued makes people think I am weak and they will look down on me because of needing a helping hand. I am ashamed to allow God to save me because I fear He will resent me for having to do so in the first place. But God is not like the people that have saved me in the past. God is God and doesn't make me feel ashamed or judged. When I rest in Him I will want for nothing. I am truly fulfilled.

I hope that one day I can truly get my heart to believe what my head already knows.

A Million Posts

2011-07-11T10:04:00.000-04:00

Because I woke up this morning with a head swirling with post ideas, I think I am going to write a post with many posts :)

One: Writing

I always wondered what my superb talent was that God gave me. The gifts that God give you do not necessarily mean you are the Michael Jordan of your skill. It just means its something that gets you closer to God and helps you get people closer to God. It took me awhile to realize that I didn't have to be the next Shakespeare to say my gift was the written word.

When I write I feel closer to God. I learn about God as I write and He helps me work out things in myself as I type and journal. I feel truly at peace and at ease after I write and it is one of the few things that make me excited :)

My writing is not phenomenol, but He has given me the ability to communicate all that I feel and think by simpling typing or scribbling. I didn't realize what a gift that was until I saw how difficult it was for some of my students to create a paragraph.

Thanks, God.

Two: Babies

I learned two things during our weekend with Luke's cousin and her little one

1) Luke is very good with babies and I am....well....I won't drop one :) Luke was born to be a daddy and I think that makes him nervous. I know that my children will always have a father that will never leave them, always protect them, and more importantly, love them more than anything in this world. Perhaps we are more ready than I ever thought to have child.

2) When you have a baby it consumes every portion of your life. I laugh and joke about Duke being my baby (and he is!) but my lifestyle hasn't changed because he's around. I still do whatever I want whenever I want. Luke and I still have enough time, money, and energy to go away whenever we want. Over the past two days I saw how helpless babies truly are and how your life changes completely. I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but I am also not sure anyone really is and you just have to do it :)

Three: God

My devotional this morning was about not striving to be anything but God's child. I needed to hear that.

Its official

2011-07-07T08:38:00.000-04:00

Duke is loved by Luke and myself just as much as a child. We tried to fight it, but, alas, it has happened. We talk about him constantly, we swell with pride when he does the dumbest things like poop in the right place in the yard, and we just think he is the cutest thing ever even though most people find his breed intimidating. He is our son and we are proud to be his adopted parents. In the words of Luke's supervisor "If the unthinkable happens and you two decide to divorce, then you will kill each other over that dog." So true, Jerry, so true. I would shoot Luke for Duke and Luke would shoot me.

The Harlot vs. The Goody-Goody

2011-07-06T09:14:00.000-04:00

I read a passage that I had heard and read many, many times before, but never in the Message translation. It was Luke 7:37-47 about the 'harlot' woman washing Jesus' feet in her tears, drying them with her hair, and then pouring expensive perfume on them. The people in the house Jesus was visiting were appalled that he would allow the "loose" woman of the town anywhere near him. Jesus told Simon the parable of the two men who had a debt forgiven: one with alot of debt and the other with not alot of debt. The point was made that the one with the most debt would appreciate the gesture the most. Which brought him back to the woman: She was forgiven many sins so she was more appreciative of salvation and God than someone who had lived a so-called "righteous" life.

My devotional asked me to pretend I was someone in the story that I could relate to even if I had to add a character that wasn't necessarily mentioned. I immediately thought I could have easily been two people in that room that night: The harlot and then one of the Pharisee's stuck up wives.

I started out my walk with God as the harlot. I was forgiven more than most 19 year old girls. I was brought to tears anytime I hear/read a song, message, devotional, passage, etc. that was on the forgiveness of sins because I was so thankful that Jesus could look at me just like any other young woman who didn't have my past. I was completely broken and it was the most beautiful experience because all I could do was grip to Jesus' feet and beg him to put me back together. I had nothing to give. I brought nothing to the table except my scarred heart. He took it without thinking about how battered it was and restored it. He turned those scars into storylines for me to tell.

However, as time has passed its funny how you forget those feelings of gratitude. I find myself, occasionally, looking at fellow-redeemed harlots with skepticism and judgement. I also find myself looking at girls that are still lost with contempt and almost anger. I want nothing to do with them because I feel they do not deserve to be a part of my life. I am not using my scar-storylines to help the lost little girls. I am afraid of opening up and using my failures to help lift them out of their pit of darkness that I was all too familiar with at one time. I guess maybe I scared to see how I haven't allowed God to restore me quite like I should have over the past few years.

I don't have any great revelation today. It seems that this passage has brought more questions for me to ask myself than answers.

This is the link to the passage if you care to read it for yourself. Just click on it and see which one you are: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%207:37-47&version=MSG

Nostalgia and Thunderstorms

2011-07-04T15:55:00.001-04:00

100 degree weather and thunderstorms always bring on a certain amount of nostalgia for me. I am brought back to a time in my life where I lived and worked in Myrtle Beach, SC. I am taken back to a time when my life was full of sand, sun, and sweet summer kisses. I am taken back to a time when I felt tingly because I was so alive. I am taken back to a time with no worries and no consequences.

Am I saying that I wish to go back? No, absolutely not. I would not trade my perfect life for anything. However, I am saying that every time I put on Hawaiian Tropic tanning lotion, bake in the hot sun, and have to run inside because of an impending summer storm I will always reminisce about when I was younger, dumber, and tanner.

I will think of Summershine. I will think of sun streaks in my hair, dirty t-shirts, and sand-gritty smiles. I will think of twilight laughter and surf swimming. I will think of boys (gasp). Innocent flirting and scandalous kisses. I will feel beautiful forever when I think of this time. I will feel as if every fiber of my being is dancing under the stars and I will feel like a rebel.

I will know God for the first time. I will meet Him amongst the waves and shells. I will hear Him whisper and call to me with each crash of each wave.

I will love harder than I've ever loved before and I will learn lessons about not doing that anymore ;) I will learn that a deeper more mature love waits for me later on, but that this young, vibrant, passionate love is necessary for forming me into the woman I am today.

I will always be a beach bum. I will always feel more comfortable in the heat than the cold. My soul will always rest in the tides and rip currents. My spirit rests in the stormy torrent of summer lightning and crashes.

Here I am home.

The Old Testament

2011-07-02T09:47:00.000-04:00

So my posts have been very spiritual here lately. I am always closer to God during the summers. Its not just because summer is by far the most awesome season EVER, but its also because I have time to spend with God and life doesn't get me all tangled up. I know, I know. I should always be on the same page with God no matter what outside things are going on, but I'm not there yet, people! Just give me some time. I am doing my best!

Today I read Deuteronomy and Leviticus. I used to dread the OT as a kid. It always involved reciting all the books in front of the grown ups, a coat that had a lot of different colors, and parting of some sea. I always thought God was TERRIFYING in those stories! To a 10 year old anyone that kills all the first born sons to teach someone a lesson is Scary with a capital "S".

Side note: My brother and I used to laugh at Deuteronomy when we were kids bc it sounded like you were saying "doo doo" for two seconds. So I will refer to it as "Deuti". You can imagine the headache my brother and I caused our mother during church. We took many walks of shame with her outside where we received....dare I say it....spankings.

I read Deuti 6:4-9 and Leviticus 19:18. In The NEW Testament Jesus refers to Deuteronomy and Leviticus when he tells the the religious scholar that the greatest commandments are to love your God above all and with all, FIRST (Deuti) and to love your neighbor as yourself, SECOND (Leviticus). If you do this all other commandments just fall into place and you are obedient to them because you love God ;)

Jesus' knowledge of scripture does not come from my beloved NT, but from the OT. Yes, I knew this, but today I realized the relevance and importance of the dusty books of laws and famines. Jesus thought they were important enough to learn them word for word so shouldn't I? And if the two commandments he deemed the greatest are found in the OT then I should do more studying I think!

The lesson: The OT is more than just a bunch of stories that make for AWESOME coloring book pages. No one really wants to give a three year old "MY BIG FAT COLORING BOOK" (yes, that's a legit name) with the Crucifixion of Jesus on the last page.You want your kid to color Joseph's coat of many colors or Moses parting the Red Sea. The OT is an awesome source of spiritual truths that God wants us to learn to grow closer to Him.

:)

Na Na Na Boo Boo revisited

2011-07-01T08:55:00.000-04:00

I don't have to miss a pacheck and my sick days may transfer!

and Duke is being a doll today.....sorta.

Na Na Na Boo Boo Stick Your Hand in Doo Doo

2011-06-30T08:39:00.000-04:00

Why is my title "na na na boo boo stick you hand in doo doo" ? I don't know. I just felt like saying that to someone this morning. Who better to say it to than my blog followers? And when I say "followers" I mean my step-parents and parents and the occasional cousin.

I am frustrated with decisions, paperwork, responsibilities and Duke licking my elbow as I type.

First things first: The more I work with Duke getting him NOT to be fearful and closer to the well behaved (non-jerk) dog I want him to be the harder it is for me to leave him. I know everyday I am not working with him is a day lost. However, though he is PRECIOUS to me, Gatlinburg, TN is not ready for the Duke-Boy and he must be left with someone responsible enough to make him behave. GRRRRRRRRR.

Secondly: Going away for the weekend requires way more work than I anticipated.

Thirdly: Changing places of employment requires way more paper work and appointments than I anticipated. I have to be there earlier because I am a new teacher to them and this causes problems with events that I was cutting it close to being at without the schedule shift. I won't get paid until Sept. (last pay check 1st of July) so money will be tight and plane tickets are expensive. BLAH!!!!!! I am super stressed now and I can't wait to see what I will be like the day before school starts when I am 600 miles away.

Fourthly: Duke has stopped licking on my arm and is contentedly chewing on his chew toy.

Fifthly: I am blessed to have a job, a family, a church, and of course Dukie Duke Duke. So, na na na boo boo stick your hand in doo.

Summertime

2011-06-28T08:01:00.000-04:00

I always say I feel closer to God at the beach. This is probably because ever since I was little I watched Granny Joan pick up her Word, grab a beach chair from the campsite and trudge to the surf every morning around 630 or 7. She would sit and read and pray. In the past few years I've been joining her. It's awfully cliche and I hate even typing it, but God truly feels closer in those waves.

This morning I realize that I have that closeness at my finger tips whenever I want it. I went out with Duke boy, my cup of coffee, and The Big Man and enjoyed the beautiful tranquility of 7 am in Bedford City. We have woods at the back of our house and their sounds are fresh and new at this time of morning. The hot muggy sounds haven't made it out yet. I can feel God stretching and gearing up for a new day and I know that He is just as close in the nature in the back of my house as He seems in the ocean behind the camper. The spiritual rejuvination I always feel when I return from the beach I can get right here at home every morning if I will allow it.

I still would choose the beach over woods in Bedford, though ;)

life

2011-06-23T17:37:00.000-04:00

I am totally independent enough to do life on my own. However, life is MUCH easier with Luke around. By day 6 of taking care of everything around the house and all the craziness that an unruly dog brings I am tired. LUKE COME HOME!!

Our wedding day through music :)

2011-06-21T10:04:00.001-04:00

Luke and I spent many hours, days, and weeks apart during our engagement. Those months were difficult for us both and this song resonated in each of our hearts. We knew that as long as we had each other this "trip" through life wouldn't be half bad. Neither of us could listen to this song without feeling sad while we were apart, but on our wedding day we could finally play it knowing that neither of us were going to have to go at this life alone anymore. This is why we lit the unity candle with this song in the background.

Lucas and I walked hand in hand down the aisle for the first time as married couple to this song. The lyrics have set the stage for a beatiful marriage that I know is only going to get better as the years progress. Our love story has flourished in the routine of life and thrives off of the normalcy that usually bores couples. Every day is an adventure and we've had our ups and downs, but we always come out stronger at the end of each day.

I am still in love with his grinning blue eyes and mischevious smile. It captured me the first time I met him and it still makes my heart melt.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T08:28:00.002-04:00

I have an awesome Heavenly Father and I was blessed with TWO awesome earthly fathers.

Daddy you will always be my Daddy and I will ALWAYS be your little girl.

Mikey, you will always be my Mikey and I will ALWAYS be your jamesy.

Lucas Paul

2011-06-17T08:51:00.000-04:00

I know everyone thinks they are married to the most awesome person in the world, but I really am SUCKAS!! Just kidding (but not really).

Last night Lucas asked me for advice on professionalism and how to handle a situation at work. This is a rare occurance since I clearly don't have the understanding of what to do in a hazardous waste situation. As we were talking it became blaringly obvious that my sweet Luke is a born leader. I knew he was when I married him, but now I know that in order for him to feel completely accomplished and satisfied he must begin using his wonderful, God-given talent of leadership.

He is everything a good leader should be:
~Though he can lose his temper, he is level-headed and can think on his feet in a tight situation.
~He is fair. He has a beautiful sense of right and wrong, and expects the same out of everyone morally whether you are his brother or his worst enemy.
~He is compassionate. Even though he doesn't want you to know it at times his heart runs deep and he feels for others in a way that helps him sympathize with those that he is leading.
~He is good with people. A good leader must be able to relate to people and Luke can.

I used to think that I was born to be a leader in some way shape or form, but here lately, I am beginning to see that two leaders in a household just doesn't work out. Luke's talents are so much greater than mine that I wonder if maybe I am supposed to be his support system so he can thrive like I know he is supposed to. There used to be a part of me that would be devastated to know that I was "doomed" to be a helpmate to someone. Now, I see that it is an amazing honor to be the number one helper, friend, and confidant of such a great person.

Disconnect

2011-06-04T08:50:00.001-04:00

There's an extreme disconnect from my daily devo/sunday morning and my life at work and in the world.

:(

......

2011-05-29T08:27:00.000-04:00

Here lately I have felt extremely far from God. I know its my own doing. Its a devious combination of my refusing to listen to His voice and busyness. Its a terribly conflicting place to be. Its a time when the devil loves to whisper sweet nothings in my ear about how "much fun" it used to be without God and how getting into trouble is the best way to feel alive again. I know these are lies; I know they are when I hear them, however, I can't seem to shake him. I can't stop his whispers. The only time I truly feel at peace these days is when I walk into church. I'd like to believe that Bedrock Community Church is SOOO filled with the spirit that the devil doesn't want to mess with me there.

Whatever it is......I want some of that power in my home.

2011-05-20T09:18:00.001-04:00

http://www.wetbehindtheearsblog.com/

I like this one :)

Dog

2011-05-19T08:04:00.000-04:00

A group of people threatened/tried to hurt my dog last night. I truly believe I could have taken all 10 of those men in one moment.

You thought my dog and husband were crazy? Just wait. Touch Duke again.

Lord help people when I have an actual human child one day.

Ponderings.......

2011-05-02T09:45:00.000-04:00

Osama Bin Laden is no longer with us. He was killed by a small band of American soldiers, yesterday. His body was said to have been in US custody, photographed with a bullet hole through his head for proof and then handed over to his family to have a traditional, Muslim burial.

I have to admit when I received the news this morning apathy was the only thing resting in my heart and maybe a little apprehension that this would worsen terrorist attacks in the long run. But, the more I heard survivors/family of 9/11 speak on the news the more I understood how momentous an occasion this was for the American Spirit. I was able to sympathise and put myself in the widow's shoes holding the picture of her firefighter/police officer/soldier that gave his life for others. I was able to feel the feelings of sadness mixed with feelings of peace and justification that must be running through her heart.

To say I am excited is not the right word. The older I get the more I am cautious to say I am "glad" someone is dead. However, despite my lack of ability to rejoice in the loss of ANY human life, albeit a life that was so destructive, I am at peace with Bin Laden's surmise. A feeling of relief would be a more apt way to describe what I felt on the way to work today. I am relieved families that lost loved ones during 9/11, during the War on Terror, and in numerous terrorist attacks we don't know about can have closure and justice for their losses. I am relieved that maybe the world is just a little bit safer. I am relieved that there may be a renewed sense of American pride that seems to be waning the more this war wages on with an enemy that is hard to visualize in our minds.

Right now I am struggling with the thoughts of Heaven, Hell, and Eternity. I am struggling with the question: If God came to save us all and I am commanded to love all, then where do people like Osama fall? Where do people I know need to die for the good of all, but will die without Christ land in my heart? Did God see justice done when He watched Bin Laden take a bullet to the head? Did God weep because He saw one of His children die knowing they would spend eternity forever separated? Did God do both? Did God know that His son Osama would have to die and live eternally separate from Him so that thousands would have the chance to know their heavenly Father?

I don't know that I will ever have the answers.

For everyone that is bashing The Royal Wedding.......this one is for you.

2011-04-29T10:25:00.002-04:00

Every girl at one point wishes she were a princess. She wishes a prince would come sweep her off her feet and take her to the palace and marry her.

If you deny the above statement then you're just bitter because you never became the princess and the prince did not sweep you off your feet.

Kate Middleton is living out every little girl's dream. Okay, she's probably been groomed since birth to live in high class society and she's not exactly some random farm girl William met accidently, but it still is nice to see.

Everything is so depressing these days. I am glad something positive and happy has taken over the newstations.

PS: All you girls that are bashing the wedding......you're just jealous that you didn't look nearly as breathtaking on your wedding day as Kate. I know I am certainly kicking myself for not designing that dress and wearing it.

GET OVER YOURSELVES AND JUST ENJOY A LOVE STORY FOR ONCE!!!

2011-04-27T08:34:00.000-04:00

Proverbs 26:23-28

23 Like a coating of silver dross on earthenware

are fervent[a] lips with an evil heart.

24 Enemies disguise themselves with their lips,

but in their hearts they harbor deceit.

25 Though their speech is charming, do not believe them,

for seven abominations fill their hearts.

26 Their malice may be concealed by deception,

but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.

27 Whoever digs a pit will fall into it;

if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them.

28 A lying tongue hates those it hurts,

and a flattering mouth works ruin.

.....

2011-04-23T09:38:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I am about 5 different people rolled up into one girl. I never know which one is going to take over. Wait....I think I just prescribed myself with schizophrenia.

2011-04-21T09:00:00.001-04:00

Who would have thought that I would fall in love with being a Mary Kay consultant?

Am I allowed to quit my job and just do this?

http://www.marykay.com/jamie.brown/

Have you ever thought.....

2011-04-17T08:21:00.002-04:00

that you just weren't cut out for something when everyone else thought you were?

Yeah.......its a conundrum.

Every year

2011-04-06T09:55:00.001-04:00

I write about Romeo and Juliet when I teach it to my students. This year I am focusing my thoughts on the incredible depths of the human character and the impact we have on one another.

In today's world we rarely get to glimpse into the many different facets that make up the human soul. In many ways we are desensitized to the amazing aptitude of our ability to feel. Reading Shakespeare's most famous tragedy allows students to see emotion at its best. With video games, movies, and television shows that trivialize death, this play forces students to see how death and violence can negatively impact the heart and soul of humanity.

A student can play a video game and kill 10-20 people and not even care, but they read Romeo and Juliet and are deeply effected by the five deaths that take place within the play. Its because Shakespeare forces us to get to know people and forces us to see that no death is trivial to someone in the world. A person means something to someone and someone's world will never be the same without them.

They learn that every human is connected in some way shape or form.

Today is my birthday

2011-04-04T09:22:00.000-04:00

Today, more than any other day I feel loved. I feel inexplicably supported by family. I feel as if I have done something right in my friendships, my marriage, my career, and in my relationship with my parents. I truly feel as if I make someone proud. I truly feel like someone notices that maybe I'm on the right track for once.

This feeling couldn't have come at a better time. I think each one of the well-wishes, the emails, the cards, etc. God was giving His support as well.

I feel beautiful, I feel talented, I feel smart, and I feel loved.

Forged By Fire

2011-03-30T13:59:00.000-04:00

I have learned that a feeling of comfort within a situation will create a blind eye in people. A work environment, friendship, relationship, family unit that lacks surface level problems may still be unhealthy or at the very least not the best it can be. Enjoying the feeling of "peace" allows a numbness to the fixes that need to be made. I truly believe that God uses upheval to create better situations for His children and to show us that being content is not the same as being complacent.

This is happening right now in my life.

Life

2011-03-23T10:11:00.000-04:00

I held a 13:30 min mile in Saturday's race (5 miles in 1:06:15). This certainly is not fast, but I ran the last two miles on a right leg that was completely numb. Apparently, putting all my weight on my left foot resulted in a possible stress fracture.

I have decided that instead of trying for a half in September I am going to try and improve my speed instead of distance and complete a 10k in October. My new goal is to be faster, a solid block of muscle, and healthy so that injury does not occur.

My "Big Picture Goal" is to be in as good a shape as I can possibly be and keep myself there before I get pregnant. Luke and I have discussed trying sometime in the next 3-4 years and I would like to make my body as healthy as possible before then so that it will be easier to maintain a healthy lifestyle after Luke or Jamie Jr. joins our family unit. I would like to be a solid enough runner that I could run throughout my pregnancy. I have a lot of work to do if I ever want to accomplish this, but I think it is an obtainable goal :)

2011-03-21T11:23:00.002-04:00

Stress fracture smesh fracture.

Running

2011-03-17T09:19:00.000-04:00

I haven't written on running much here lately because I haven't been able to do much of it.

Due to a stupid tweak in my back I haven't been able to run as much. So, I am going to run the 8k instead of the half. This will mean running 5 miles as opposed to 13. It took swallowing some pride, but I feel soooooo much less stress because of the change.

The race is this Saturday and it looks like its going to be an absolutely beautiful weekend :)

A decision

2011-03-14T11:29:00.000-04:00

needs to be made and I am not sure what to do.

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

2011-03-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

My all time all time favorite Christian song (contemporary and traditional) is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" written by Robert Robinson in 1757. Robinson was believed to be around the age of 22 when he wrote the song. The song is a beautiful testimony to how God RESCUES us from a life of darkness and a plee to keep him from returning to the bondage of that life.

Today I read in my devotional how Robert Robinson unfortunately "wandered from the fold of God" and died at 55 with a far colder heart than what he had at 22 when he wrote the song. Charles Swindol states "he had seemed to prophesy his own downward course" in the fourth stanza of the hymn. I was hit hard by the bit of information. Its so easy to fall. So easy.

The following is the orginal, unrevised version of the melody.

1. Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

2. Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

3. Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

4. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

5. O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Goals

2011-03-06T08:20:00.001-05:00

My new goals are the following:

~Simplify my Faith and get rid of all the superfluous religious material that gets in the way of having an authentic, raw relationship with God.

~Be an AWESOME friend to a few as opposed to a mediocre friend to many. I have spread myself too thin among people and its time I weed out those who bring me further away from the Lord and invest time in the ones who help me to get closer to Him.

~Be consistent. I am a sprinter in every aspect of my life. I am really good for a little while. I want to run a marathon not do the 400 yard dash.

At Peace

2011-03-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

I am finally gaining a peace about who I am and who I am in God. I used to care so much what other people thought and whether or not I was liked or disliked.

I am completely comfortable with where I am. I am in God's hands and that is the safest, most secure place a girl could ever ask to be. The whole world could hate me, and if I knew I was in God's will, I would be okay with that.

I do not need affirmation or acceptance from others anymore. I do not need to feel pretty, smart, funny, etc. for I know God sees me as radiant and completely captivating. He sees my mistakes and my failings and still finds me breathtaking.

As long as I stick with Him I know my life will be blessed because He ALWAYS has my best interests in everything.

When it rains......

2011-02-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

it pours, but I am unnaturally at peace about it.

2011-02-20T17:13:00.002-05:00

pray.

One of Luke's good buddies is in critical condition. It could have been Luke.

pray.

Geez Louise

2011-02-19T09:27:00.001-05:00

Gentleness. Mercy. Peacemaking.

Yesterday, I lost my temper twice. In a bad way. I allowed my temper to lead me to say some (some would believe truthful but) bad things. Today God chided me in His usual soft way. Whenever God teaches me a lesson or tells me something I shouldn't have done, I always feel like He has me wrapped in a bear hug while doing it. I don't EVER feel like a child sent to their room. I feel my Daddy God holding me tightly and telling me what NOT to do next time.

As loving as God is....I am mouthy. I was mouthy to my parents when they were trying to correct me and I am sometimes mouthy to God.

Convo with God about: Gentleness

"Jamie, you must let me fight your fights. Being gentle is being firm in your trust in me. Just step back. You don't need to fight for your rights. I will in my way.....the BEST way."

"But, God he was such a jerk! I mean he really said some awful things. He needs to know what an awful thing it was to do to me.....blah...blah....blah..."

"Hush. Remember when I told you to be quiet the other day when you asked me what to do?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Trust me. Just be quiet."

Convo with God about: Mercy

"God, I will not "get into his shoes". That's bull crap. He is supposed to be professional."

"Were you professional in what you said?"

"That's not the point."

"Why not? How would you feel if you heard someone going off about you? Wouldn't you have reacted?"

"Not the way he did!"

"All I am asking is that you try and understand where he's coming from."

"GRRRRRRRR!"

Convo with God about: Peacemaking
"Blessed are the Peacemakers."

"No, I don't want to make peace. I want to be mad and I want him to feel bad."

"That's wrong and its not what I want you to do. Its not what you need to do in order to be at peace and healthy. Its not what you need to do to be in my Will where its safe."

"God, I just am too tired to make peace."

"Then, you are too tired to fight as well. Why don't you let me do it all?"

"Okay, but I just want you to know that I am still mad."

"Of course you are and you wouldn't be my Jamie if you weren't."

Wow.

2011-02-18T08:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the lessons we learn are way bigger than the ordeal we go through.

I've learned a lesson about obedience. Had I been obedient to God over a simple little matter I would have saved myself embarressment, tears, and hurt. God ONLY gives us rules and tells us to do things in order to make our lives better.

He didn't tell me a couple months ago to give up Facebook because He wanted me to suffer. He was telling me to get rid of Facebook because He saw the big picture.

Instead of being upset over the situation God has "allowed" to happen I rejoice. I rejoice because I have learned how much God loves me through my disobedience. Without seeing what happens when you don't do what God wishes I would have never known the full magnitude of his love-filled intentions. God was TRYING to protect me and keep me safe and I wouldn't let Him. He had nothing to do with it. It was all me. I hindered God from being the loving Father He always is.

Its so important

2011-02-14T17:06:00.001-05:00

to live life blamelessly. Its so important to do all you can to live above reproach. Its so important to live your life so that anyone could look in and think nothing of it.

Unfortunately, I have not always done this. Unfortunately, I have not always been saved.

Thank goodness God loves me and has made me pure.

During this storm I will praise you even louder and drown in your grace.

What a wonderful Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T06:15:00.000-05:00

In our house we kinda celebrated Valentine's Day on Saturday AND Sunday. It was wonderful :)

We hung out all day Saturday and enjoyed one another's company. We then had a quiet dinner together at Applebee's and came back and watched Fireproof cuddled up together. Then, yesterday we had a wonderful church service, good workouts, I was surprised with roses and a card, took Duke for a walk in the park, had wonderful weather and.....wait for it.....LUKE COOKED DINNER FOR ME!!!!

It was nice and relaxing and I felt connected to my husband. I just love him so much.

Babies are WEIRD

2011-02-09T06:23:00.002-05:00

The whole pregnancy/delivery/creating a human thing is still out of my realm of understanding and weird to me. I have realized, however, its not "weird" in the way you would call the kid that wears a cape to school weird, but "weird" in a way that it is too big for me to understand weird.

Luke's cousin, Juli, and her husband, Matt, created a human. Yeah, that's right, they formed a child. I don't care who you are that's weird. To think that every couple has that capability is mind blowing. Luke and I can't even create a gourmet dinner together without something getting screwed up, but we could create a human being?!?! Again, I don't care who you are, that's weird.

In one of the delivery pictures there is so much emotion on Juli's face that I don't think anyone could look at it without getting somewhat choked up. How can you love someone so much that you've never met? WEIRD! Incomprehensible.

Its got my wheels a turnin'. I still relish in the fact that nothing wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming unless you count Luke's nasal cavity and his snoring (which sometimes sounds like a babe crying). I don't want a kid now, but I am feeling a sense of I-would-be-missing-out-if-I-didn't for the first time in my life.

2011-02-08T06:20:00.000-05:00

‎1 Thes. 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I was a little bit whiney today when I woke up and God gave me this verse. I think God just told me to suck it up.

Wow.

2011-02-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

For the past few months I have truly been searching for my own answers in regards to my faith. You may have been able to tell through my posts that I have been studying ALOT and trying to figure out what I believe NOT what someone has told me I should believe. I want to find proof on my own in the Bible. I want to be knowledgable WITHOUT the "guidance" of an LU bible professor. I want to be guided by the God and God only to what is the Truth.

I have been doubting. My whole life I have been told God and Jesus are real. I have been told that I needed to do this and that to be a good Christian. A few months ago I hit a road block and asked myself: "Do I truly have the faith that people would believe I have or is Christianity just something 'normal' to me because I was brought up with it? Is it 'normal' in the way good manners were instilled in me at a young age?"

I knew I believed in God, but couldn't grasp the whole Jesus dying for my sins thing. I understood the concept and the why but it seemed vague. I am not saying I doubted the validity of Jesus of Nazereth. I believed in God and trusted God enough that I was strangely at peace with "not getting it" all the way. I know it might sound crazy and you may be wondering: "You're saved and you can't understand it? You went to Liberty and you can't fully understand Jesus dying for your sins?" That's exactly it. I had been TOLD what it meant my whole life, but I needed to find out on my own.

The more I thought about it the more I knew that I needed to get to the bottom of it. So I embarked on a journey where I said: "God, you have to teach me."

And He did.

John 16:7-8

^7"But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Advocate won’t come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you. ⁸ And when he comes, he will convict the world of its sin, and of God’s righteousness, and of the coming judgment."

I didn't understand this verse. Why would it be best for Jesus to leave? If He is God in human form and God can do whatever He wants why can't He stay AND send the Holy Spirit? This verse has troubled me for weeks. It was mentioned AGAIN in church yesterday. Coincidence? No, I definantly don't believe in coincidences anymore.

I decided to mull it over in my quiet time this morning and really delve deep into this puzzling statement from Christ.

God isn't scared of speculation and investigation. He welcomes it. He welcomed my questioning prayers with open arms and answered my questions.

I came to two mind-blowing conclusions or maybe I should say God led me to these two realizations:

A) Christ was God in human form and was subject to human limitations because of it. He could only be in one place at one time. The Holy Spirit HAD to be sent in order for Truth to be spread to all nations. Now, Christ is wherever there's a believer. One word response to this: AWESOME.

And the real "Ahh Haa" moment and most important realization EVA:

B) If God could barely look at us without sending His wrath down because of our sinfulness how on earth was He going to LIVE in us without some BIG sacrifice? He couldn't come near us without the blood of animal offerings and even then that wasn't enough. Why would I think He could live in my heart without some ultimate price paid? Christ had to go away and die so that the Holy Spirit (God in spirit form) could live in me. God lives in me.

Let me say that one more time: God lives in me. One word response to this: ............(speechless).

On my way to work and now as my students are taking a quiz I am mulling over this Truth that God has shown me. I have finally learned something on my own. God has taken this BELIEF that I have had based on other's research and other's searching and is now forming it into a CONVICTION (see earlier post) in my heart.

I can still feel some of my doubts swirling around in my head, but my soul is singing a little bit louder than the doubts now. I know it will be a process and that God doesn't want me to stop searching and growing in my knowledge of His Word. I am excited. Now I know that God is with me on this discovery. God is holding my hand as I search. He's right there with me turning the page when I need to move on and keeping me at a standstill when I need to mull more.

Exciting. Exciting. Exciting.

Alone Time

2011-02-06T08:21:00.001-05:00

This weekend my dear husband Lucas Dukas went to his old stomping ground in the wintry state of Massachusetts to see his family. I was unable to go because all of my personal days have been allotted for other activities. I had the whole weekend to myself and I have to admit earlier in the week I was NOT looking forward to it.

I have spent many a weeknights by myself (sometimes 2-3 nights a week), but my weeks are so busy that I don't have time to realize that I am alone half the time. I usually don't get home until later and by the time I eat and workout its time for bed.

The weekends are a different story. If Lucas works the weekends its usually at night when I am snuggled in my bed dreaming. So, I was picturing myself wandering about the house, room to room, drowning in the awful silence of an empty house all weekend.

The above was not true in any shape or form.

I had the most relaxing weekend I have ever had. I was able to just relax with girlfriends, read my bible, drink coffee, watch movies, and remain stress free. I don't know what it is about having a house to yourself and having free time to chill with friends NOT significant others, but I would recommend it to anyone. I am sure it would get old after awhile, but now I know what my friend Jen says about loving having her own place and living by herself.

I think Luke and I both needed the weekends we had :)

Convictions vs. Beliefs

2011-02-05T09:51:00.000-05:00

I finished the book by Charles Swindol Paul: A Man of Grace and Grit today and one of Swindol's points was about the lack of convictions and the overabundance of beliefs in Christians today.

Belief: "Things you believe are numerous. Some you believe stronger than others."
Convictions: "...truths for which you would die. They represent what's non-negotiable. They become the pillars you base your life."
(Swindol 325)

He continues to explain that convictions are beliefs you've chosen as your own. He also brings up that this idea is from Paul himself found in his letter to Timothy: "Continue in the things you have learned (beliefs) and continue in those things of which you have become convinced (convictions)."

If I sat and truly searched deep, deep inside myself I would realize that my list of beliefs is a long one and my list of convictions is not much of a list at all. Believing in something is safe. Having convictions are not.

Swindol challenges his readers to find a belief and make it their own. So, that's what I am about to do.

God has been teaching me over and over again this week that I lack faith. I wouldn't argue with that one bit. I constantly try and follow a set of rules that have been ingrained in my head as to how a Christian is supposed to live and substitute that for a genuine faith and relationship with God.

I also constantly fall short of these set of rules and become frustrated and fall back into my reckless way of living. I fail over and over and over because I can never be good enough. I fail to realize God doesn't want me to be "good enough" because He knows I never will be. He knows that I lack convictions. He knows that my beliefs are not strong enough to allow me to live the life He wants for me. He knows that I am prone to wander back to the "safety" of my old life.

Isn't that the beauty of God though? Isn't it mind blowing that He knows we are screw ups and weak and still takes us into His arms of wisdom and teaches us how to live life His way? Isn't it Awesome that He spends His time on those of us that He knows will mess up sometime in the future? He does this because He knows its not about rules and regulations....its about the relationship. Its about the willingness to be taught and the openness to allowing Him just to spend time with you.

My goal is to make this idea/belief/truth of FAITH into something that is engraved on my heart and allow it to become something that tells me how to live my life. My goal is to become a woman of convictions.

Guilty

2011-02-02T08:47:00.000-05:00

Today I feel guilty. Today I feel bad. Last night in small group we prayed for a missions team going to Nicaragua for a week. We prayed for the people that would be reached and helped by the wonderful people from our church that are going.

I listened and agreed with what they had to say but was not particularly burdened by the thought of unsaved people.

This morning in my devotional (I am doing an extensive study on Paul) I saw Paul's desire to live solely winning people to Christ. Seriously, EVERY single portion of his heart, mind, and time were devoted to that cause.

How much of my time is devoted to winning unsaved people to Christ? Pretty much zero. Yeah, I pray for the salvation of people everyday, but I don't DO anything. I definantly am not effected emotionally. My heart's not in it.I am not heartbroken because of someone's lack of faith. Even though some people very close to me are not believers I am not burdened.

What's wrong with me? I think I have become more hardened by my stint in the world than I would like to admit to myself. I think I have never truly given my whole heart to God. I think I've given the portions that are benefitial to me.

It was benefitial to give up an immoral lifestyle in order to date Luke.
It was benefitial to give up partying in order to be a teacher.

I haven't been hindered in my own endevors. God's way has just conveniently fit into my plans.

The more I learn and study, though, the more God is showing me all of these things. The more I am realizing how shallow my faith and relationship with God truly is.

Just when you think you're ahead........

2011-01-30T09:23:00.000-05:00

Running did not happy this week. I think I maybe got in 5 miles. I have a case of Scaitica and sinus congestion: a devious combo. The athletic trainer at the high school (one of the perks of being teacher is you don't have to go to the doctor for ALL your ailments), said that I had a textbook form of scaitica and that I was only to walk or do cross training that didn't strain my leg until I felt better. BLAH! I am going to try swimming today.

I may have to back down to a beginner's workout plan for the half in order to not strain myself too much. It will take swallowing some pride to say my body just couldn't hack it.

Generally Speaking......

2011-01-29T09:29:00.000-05:00

I hate winter. I hate that everything's dead and its cold. However, Old Man Winter has one redeemable characteristic: Mornings.

There is something magical about the hours when the sun just comes up until about 10 or 1030 in the winter months. There's a freshness and crispness that makes you feel good about being creative and alive.

I think its the quiet that I love the most. There's a certain stillness that only belongs to the morning, winter or summer. There's a stillness in my heart and a oneness with God that I can't find anywhere else. I am so tossed by the waves of the world that somedays the morning is the only time when I feel close to Him. My heart and mind are usually in a torrent, but with a cup of coffee clasped between my hands, my journal, pen, and bible by my side I can truly rest. God quiets my soul then. He puts His mighty finger to His powerful lips and says: "Hush" in a still, calm whisper. And for once, I do.

I wish I could live in a thousand mornings.

The Truth will set you free........

2011-01-27T09:23:00.002-05:00

It hurts to hear the truth. We have all felt the sting of truthfulness at its sharpest. You know, the statement someone makes or the question someone asks that doesn't just graze the skin, but cuts deep into your heart. I am talking about the truth that makes you lash out in anger or indignation when you first hear it.

Its happened to me, but for now I am not speaking about me. I understand how it takes a few days, weeks, years to let that truth sink in. Its kinda like when you're in a drought and it rains. The water just sits on top, then there's a flood or two, and then the soil accepts what its been longing for. The flood comes before the soaking in.

Our souls are the same. We don't want to hear the real Truth. We are content to live in our own truths. We would rather hear what we want to hear than what's really being said. We would rather pick out the words that could better serve our argument than read the whole sentence.

Its perceived to be easier living life where everyone else is at fault and you're the victim.

Its not easier. Trust me. I was the "victim". You know what happens to victims? The World swallows them up and uses them for its own delights. Then, it spits them out just as confused as they were before. When everyone else is at fault and you're the victim, you're always mad. You're always having to think of justifications for your actions.

You're always having to explain yourself.

When you try (emphasis on TRY) to live in Truth you're not the victim. You're never a victim and never will be a victim. You have a responsibility to change, but its not the responsibility to MAKE the change happen; its a responsibility to ALLOW the change to take place. When you're in the Truth you don't have to be mad and you don't have to justify your actions.

Do you know how freeing it is to just ask for forgiveness as opposed to forming an argument?

No matter how big the sin is its easier to own up to the sin than make it "right" ?

Trust me, I've had to own up to some hefty ones to God. I've had to own up to some that still haunt me, but at least I have the reassurance that its all in the hands of Truth and not in my own puny weak ones. Its a clean slate in some sense. Of course there's worldly consequences for worldly sins, but not heavenly ones. No, I have a clean slate where it Matters.

Which leads me back to hearing the Truth. I wish someone would be willing to listen.

Just listen to the Truth. I am not asking you to believe it, live it, or want it......just listen to it.

Lets move the sandbags and get out of the flood stage. I'll help you lift them, because I know better than most how heavy they can be and that's what big sisters are for.

2011-01-22T10:28:00.001-05:00

Why am I surprised when God comes through with His promises?

2011-01-19T06:22:00.000-05:00

Luke saw a horrific wreck the other night while doing snow removal. His boss sent him to it to see if they had any hazardous material needed cleaning up.

Its really effected us. Really. Neither of us can put a finger as to why its really tugging at our heartstrings like it is.

The World vs The Spirit

2011-01-18T12:58:00.002-05:00

To those that have dabbled in all that the world has to offer you will understand the struggle that is always raging beneath the surface of my heart.

I first heard this song a month ago and it didn't effect me. I heard it again today and it nearly brought me to tears.

It goes to show that God can speak through ANY avenue He wants, because He is God.

I would like to dedicate this song to the world that's trying to steal me back:

Run/Life.

2011-01-16T09:08:00.000-05:00

Run: Well, I didn't do my 3 miles yesterday. Hopefully the 6 miles today won't kill me. Luke's brother came in from out of town on Friday and we went out and had too much fun.

Life: I would be lying if I said I wasn't a passionate person. I try and act like I am not sometimes because I find passionate people annoying, but they say if you met yourself you'd probably hate them.

I love fiercely. When I love you I really love you. I am blinded to your faults and cannot see, even when I should, things that are not right about you. I will defend you even when I should tell you what you did is wrong. I am too protective and I get angry very easily over loved ones.

I hate fiercely. I can't even stand to be around someone I no longer agree with. I want that person to be completely out of my life forever after one time of being angry with them. I will say and do whatever it takes to accomplish this

I wish there was some way I could harness this passion. I've been studying the Apostle Paul and he was a passionate man. Passionate to the point that he was destructive at times, said things he didn't mean at times, and allowed anger/love to get in the way of what the Lord was trying to do in his life. However, God helped him to harness all of that and channel it to do good works for Him. He didn't take away any of Paul's fervor (which I find amazing), He just simply used it all for good. Paul's redirected passion gave him confidence and courage to do things that I know I'll never be able to do.

I hope one day I can shut up long enough for God to do that for me.

Run

2011-01-14T11:00:00.001-05:00

I have switched my break days ALL around this week. I am still going to run just as much as my workout requires. My body pretty much shuts down on the first two days of that wonderful time of the month for women. Since I have been training and changing my diet, heartburn comes along with Mother Nature's visit and yesterday I felt like dragon lady and couldn't even look at my running shoes.

Today is 3 miles. Tomorrow is 3 miles. Sunday is 6 miles. My workout has an optional 5K race instead of a long run on Sunday with an extra break day worked in, but in light of last weeks sickness debacle I will try and make up for only making it to mile 5.5 last Sunday.

Hopefully staying on the workout schedule will make it easier for next week when I have to run 7!!!

I am assuming its mostly ladies that read my blog, but if you are a lone wolf checking this out then don't read the article I've attached on how menstruation effects workouts in women.

http://www.runtheplanet.com/trainingracing/training/women/menstruation.asp

Run

2011-01-13T08:16:00.000-05:00

Did 3.5 miles last night AND worked on some core and arm work. It felt really good :) I am soooo much further along than I was during my last 3rd week of training in June.

2011-01-10T06:17:00.000-05:00

soooo, even though I am gunky and I ran .5 mile less than I wanted to yesterday, I am ahead of where I was in terms of ability in my last bout of training. This makes me feel good about myself :) I think my confidence is high because I have had a healthy dose of reality: I will never be a serious, running comepititor. I will never be an awesome runner. I will always be slow in comparison to most. That's not why I run. I run because its theraputic. It helps me accomplish something that I am NOT a star in. In a way that makes me feel even more proud of myself.

I will never do under 2:00:00 for a half marathon, but I will try and do better each time I run one :)

run

2011-01-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

sinus gunk has made this week's running.....SUCK. Mileage count: 12 miles............HORRIBLE.

Love.

2011-01-09T08:27:00.001-05:00

"Most of all, love each others as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything." 1 Peter 4:8 (Message Translation)

Conservatism. Liberalism. Republican. Democrat.

I wonder if Rep. Gabrielle Giffords cares about any of those right now? I wonder if her family is sitting around discussing politics right now? I wonder if friends care about what type of health care is going to be used to help pay her medical bills if/when she pulls through?

I don't care what you believe in, this tragedy should make you cry. A nine year old died. Someone's innocent little girl. I'm almost positive she probably couldn't spell Bi-Partisan much less have known what it meant.

Jesus was too radical to be in politics. That's why they crucified Him. His party was a one man show. His main focus was love. He spoke a message on an accepting love that most liberals don't even understand.

Sometimes I think liberals aren't open-minded at all and I think conservatives aren't loving at all.

Sometimes, I think they all suck, but I love them. I love gun totin' NRA fanatics, I love homosexuals, I love athiests, I love cookie-cutter Liberty University kids, I love...........

Beauty

2011-01-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

You know why a woman is the most beautiful on her wedding day?Its because its one of the only days where she feels absolutely stunning to someone.

There's a lot of pretty faces out there, but a gorgeous, radiant woman is one that knows someone special finds her absolutely mesmerizing. Her eyes dance and a smile always tickles the side of her mouth. Her happiness covers imperfections better than any make up.

On the flip side....when a woman loses that confidence a tired deadness surrounds her. It doesn't matter how many miles she runs, what outfits she buys, or how many sit ups she does...she's not radiant. Pretty maybe but not beautiful. If she doesn't have the confidence of a man finding her attractive in a loving way, then she is dull and lifeless in her eyes.

2011-01-07T09:26:00.001-05:00

PS: Being sick really dampens the run schedule.....only did a mile yesterday YIKES. Hopefully the gunk that is in my nose will not stop me from 3 miles today and tomorrow and my long run on Sunday.

Transparency......

2011-01-07T06:21:00.002-05:00

For the past few weeks....no...lets be honest (in light of the title of the blog entry today)....For the past few months I have been struggling. I have been questioning. I have been searching. I have been despairingly grasping for Truth and feel my fingers hit only air.

Where are you, my God? Where are the real encounters I used to have daily? Where are the gentle leadings and God-hugs I used to get whenever I would ask?

I am coming to an answer to the above questions. Its an answer that I didn't expect. Honestly, when God is involved, the answers are very rarely what we expect.

God is speaking to me through the Apostle Paul. His life sucked in terms of things that happened to him. I am sure that there were times when he felt that God was a million of miles away. I believe that this was a time when God said to him: "Its time for you to grow up."

I've been a baby Christian my whole life. So, when I asked God to finally take over because I was/am spiralling back down into a life run my whims and passions, He didn't swoop in and carry me off to safety as I had expected. He is telling me, through His absence, that its time for me to stop acting like a baby in the faith. I have gone long enough milking that role of needing guidance and help all the time. I need to learn to search for Him even when it seems He is not there and strengthen my Faith as an ADULT.

To leave no question as to what was going on in my mind I am going to tell you my progression of thought when no longer felt like God was close.

My first reaction:

God is not real. There I said it. That's honesty at its best. Because the next lesson God taught me: Is complete transparency. Paul hid his afflictions and weaknesses from no one. Neither will I. I have spent my whole life trying to make people believe that I was strong enough to do this or this and that I NEVER doubted God. Paul didn't even do that, but He became stronger when he trusted God despite His doubts. He has helped me thousands of years later by being transparent about his turmoil.

Second reaction (where I am at now):

God is real.....I hope. If He's not, then I don't want to live. I have to forge through and trust that He will give me the strength to carry on. I have to believe that He will see me searching and desperately grasping for more of Him and He WILL grow me. He WILL make me the woman of God that only recently I have truly wanted to be.

Complete transparency.

Blah

2011-01-06T06:05:00.000-05:00

Skipped 30 min tempo run last night. That's going to be my rest day for the week. I may run outside today, but we'll see how my head cold/sinus gunk is feeling before I run in the cold. If I do run outside, then I am going to the tempo run instead of 3 miles and do the 3 miles tomorrow.

I don't have time to be gunky and sinusy...........

side note

2011-01-05T06:05:00.001-05:00

Week one mileage counter: 15 miles

Running

2011-01-05T05:55:00.000-05:00

I have been kinda heavy for the past few posts so I thought I would start the day with how well my training is going for running ;)

I haven't missed a day of training and have completed all my mileage. My times are slow, but my goal is to run ALL the miles that I am scheduled to run without any walking breaks and that's what I've done.

My first long run on Sunday went well. I did five miles and felt really good at the end. Again, it was slow, but I didn't stop at all and ran the whole thing at a nice, easy pace.

Yesterday, I completed my first run outsided since training and I thought my poor ears were going to scream! I hate running outside in the cold but its what I need to do since the half marathon is in March!! BRRRR

Sometimes.....

2011-01-02T12:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I WANT to live for the Lord. I LOVE going to church and serving. I equally WANT to live for myself. I LOVE going out and partying.

How on earth can a person have both living inside of them?

Am I unusual or do many people feel this way and just aren't as transparent?

Hmmmmmmmm.........

2011.....Five....Final

2011-01-01T15:30:00.002-05:00

My final resolution is to find out who I really am and to live a deep life.

2011.......Four

2010-12-31T10:16:00.000-05:00

New Year's resolution number four is to be a better wife and friend to my husband.

He works....alot. I get frustrated....alot. I want to be the helpmate he needs and deserves. I want to try and find my happiness in God and not in Luke being home. I am good at running the house when he's not here, but I want to be great and take ALL the home stress off of his shoulders when he's away. Its so hard because I have a full-time career, too, but I know God will grant me the strength and lead me in the way he wants me to go if I am truly striving to fulfill my role as a wife.

I want to be a better friend to him. I want him to be able to laugh and joke with me. I want him to know that I am still the light-hearted, goofy girl he married 2 1/2 years ago. I want him to trust me and to confide in me and to value my opinions and advice just as I value his.

I want to love him more this year. I want God to fill my heart up with an overabundance of unconditional love for Luke. I want to love him so much that I can't help but smile when I think of his laughing blue eyes and sideways grin. I want to be giggly in love again. God can give me that. I know He can. I just have to ask.

A couple quotes that have me squirming......

2010-12-30T11:38:00.000-05:00

My plan was to devote my blog to resolutions until Jan 1 but this morning during my devos (which have been iffy for the past few weeks) I was hit with a thought from Jesus.

In my heart I always love God. Always. Surely He sees this. By nature I have a big heart. I know my words don't show it at times and I can come across as a jerk, but I do love and care fiercly and deeply. Perhaps that's my problem :/ If you can call that a problem.

Here recently I have been struggling with who I am and what being a good Christian means. For so long it was just a set of rules and changing my lifestyle. I needed rules and a lifestyle change when I first became a Christian. There's no denying that, but now I see I relied heavily on the rules and not so much allowing God to change me from the inside out. God doesn't care about the rules. There are a lot of people living the rules but are further away from God than I was when I first got saved smoking a pack a day.

I am just struggling with what's ok and not ok. I am struggling with how to be real and still a God's gal.

I am struggling with the fear of losing "me" in the process of giving God everything.

Quotes that have got me a thinkin' from Charles Swindoll:

"Augustine called Paul's conversion 'the violent capture of a rebel will.' He pictured it as being like changing the nature of a wild wolf into the spirit of a lamb. Only God could do that in a depraved soul like Saul. How did it happen? In Paul's own words, 'I was shown mercy' (1 Timothy 1:13). One day, Mercy met the rebel Saul as he pressed toward Damascus."

"You may have been a Christian for some time, but you're clinging to the reigns of your own rebel will. You need to know...God will goad you, too. Sooner or later He'll get your attention. No matter what it takes. He'll bring you to a place in your life where you realize there's no point in continuing to kick against the goads. Don't wait for a storm. By then it may be too late. Settle it today on your knees. Give Him complete control. Stop your own Damascus Road journey today. Like Saul, surrender. And like Saul, you'll never regret it."

"Ananias's compliance with God's surprising plan allowed him to witness supernatural power. No one else in Scripture witnessed the scales miraculously falling from the contrite Pharisees' eyes. Only Ananias. As a result, his own eyes were opened to the amazing power of God to transform a life. Obedience always stimulates growth." (Ananias was the man who first went to Paul after his conversion. God commanded him to go and give Paul his sight back. Swindoll likens it to a Jewish man going to Adolf Hitler after Hitler claims to be saved and changed.A great leap of faith to say the least)

"Could it be that something in your life has blinded you to God's power? Perhaps fear of the unknown or the uncertainty of the future hinders you from obeying God's clear leading......Only eternity will reveal the impact of your memorable step of faith. Go ahead, take that step. the world needs more heroes."

2011......Three

2010-12-30T09:02:00.000-05:00

My third resolution is to train consistently for two half marathons this year. Yes, I did complete a half marathon last year but I did not take it seriously. I would say I only did 50% of the training that I should and did not do as well as I could have. This year I want to try my hardest and do well on the run. I want to be able to be proud as I cross the finish line with the time I had. I would like to do a triatholon one day, but this year I would like to focus on the halfs.

Time Goals:

1/2 in March: Under 2hours and 50 min.
1/2 in Sept: Beat the time in march :)

2011......Two

2010-12-28T09:14:00.001-05:00

My second resolution for 2011 is to finish my group fitness certification and begin working at a gym part time. I've been wanting to do this for years and I finally have the opportunity to do it. I only pray that God continues to open doors for me and gives me courage to try something new.

2011.......One

2010-12-27T09:30:00.002-05:00

New Year's Resolution Number One:

Eat and cook healthier....consistently. Out of ease Luke and I go out to eat alot. We are both busy and work sometimes takes away from the memories that can be made in the kitchen. My goal this year is to start a precedent of healthy and meaningful cooking in my kitchen. I want our family of two people to start a tradition of family meals together before we are a family of 2+.

I know...

2010-12-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

that my blogs seem ALL over the place, but that's what happens when you are completely honest with yourself and others. Most people would seem all over the place if you scanned all their thoughts onto a blog site :)

Two things I've realized today (well, the realizations have been a works in progress for months now, but today is the day I am finally able to verbalize them):

One:
For the past three years I have been wondering what God wants me to do with my life, but not really wondering enough to ask Him what to do. In the previous few months we have joined a church family that feels like its made up of real people doing REAL life God's way. Bedrock is awesome if you wanna check it out :)

As I watch and learn from the awesome people at Bedrock, I am slowly realizing that if you do not allow God to write your life story you miss out on some AWESOME stuff. I am realizing that the emptiness I feel is God telling me that I am not doing what He wants me to do. And so I have been asking Him to show me where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. I know that if I am doing that then I will find true happiness and contentment whatever that may be.

Two:
God will take you places you never dreamed of going. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted adventure. I have dreamed of far off places and fighting evil. I have dreamed of saving those in need and helping others on a huge level. I have dreamed of excitement.

Now, the only thing that brings me peace of mind and heart is being at my house and creating a home. This is a realization that has brought me to my knees. I have ALWAYS been the first one to say I don't want to be domestic or be the good little wife. I am ALWAYS the first one to say I don't want to be a mom because it would cramp my style. I have been lying to my own heart and others to try and convince myself that God still has an adventure in store for me that is beyond the home.

Maybe he does have an adventure planned for me. Maybe his adventure isn't in the form of an exciting career or mission trips to foreign lands. Maybe God's adventure for me is something I thought could never be an adventure. Maybe God is preparing me for something I thought was always for someone else.

Peace......

2010-12-20T12:41:00.000-05:00

According to BibleGateway.com in the New International Version of the Bible, the word 'peace' is mentioned over 230 times. When you include any variations of peace its over 250 times. This makes me believe that God puts being at peace at the top of the charts. Coming to this realization for someone like me brings turmoil. Yes, knowing I need to be peaceful makes me have a panic attack.

I am the most unpeaceful person you will ever meet. My mind is ALWAYS going 100 mph and in 20 different directions. I always have something to worry about. Most of my stress is just my personality, but some of it comes from outside factors. Luke calls me a duck: calm on the surface, but underneath those feet are just going, going, going.

I used to be able to hide my stress and it would only surface for a few days when I would get sick (cold, flu, etc.) and had to take some time to rejuvenate myself. I could bounce back very quickly and as if I had never felt an ounce of stress. I don't know if its getting older or if I am actually dealing with way more stress than I ever have (I am going with this option), but my body isn't just getting sick for a few days and then bouncing back. My body is rebelling against me. Its screaming at me to chill out and calm down. I'm exhausted, achy, debressed, I have an upset stomach, and I am breaking out. I have got to slow down or at least look at the world in a more peaceful way.

God wants us to be peaceful for a reason. Stress is unhealthy. God wants his children to be healthy and vibrant creatures. You cannot be healthy and vibrant while allowing stress to overtake your life.

I do.

Stress owns me.

From here on out I am going to try to only do things that promote peace. Even if that means ending relationships or distancing myself from those that do not promote a peaceful state of being. When I am at home my house will be filled with images, smells, and emotions that will be peaceful.

I can't do all of this, but God can.

2010-12-17T22:02:00.003-05:00

I am feeling melancholy this evening. If one more person tells me: "You have everything a girl could want," I might scream. On paper, yes, I have everything. The dog, the house, the car, the job, the husband, etc. Yet, there is this piece of me that is at a constant state of unrest. There's a piece of me that is screaming and saying: "You're discontent!!! There's something missing!!" I am not able to shake this little voice.

I don't think....

2010-12-16T11:47:00.001-05:00

I don't think any person that considers themselves a writer in some way shape or form can resist jotting/typing their thoughts when there's a steaming cup of coffee next to them, a lit Christmas tree, and snow falling outside. It most certainly cultivates my creative juices.

Usually, on a day like this, I would have a certain sense of nostalgia gathering in my heart, but not today. I am reflective, but only in regards to learning from my past in order not to screw up my future.

I am studying the Apostle Paul's writings for my devotionals now. Its out of character for me to go at the Bible without some sort of guide, but this raw form of quiet time has been very rewarding. It has given me a chance to really see my thoughts and self without being swayed by someone else's words or thoughts. I have come to a certain conlusion about my walk with God:

I am feeling metaphorical today and so I will describe what I am feeling as such:

I am a fish that lives in the surf of the incoming tide. I ride the waves and everytime I crash into the beach I am crashing closer to God. Once I crash, however, the world seems more enticing and, in all honesty, easier to be with so I allow myself to be pulled back to sea. Then, I am, again, riding a wave and crashing on His beach, except this time I am closer to his feet. Again, the world drags me back into its torrent and I am living for myself. Lo and behold, I grow tired of that and ride yet another wave back to God and this time I crash into His chest. I feel more of God and my fishy soul flops and flits on its way back to the stormy seas as opposed to sliding right in.

Its getting harder to leave the safety of the land.

I soon forget, though, and relish in the world and what it has to offer. Anger, selfishness, and thoughtlessness once again rule my life. I feel the pull of the water as it is beginning to ready itself for another onlslaught to the sand. I ride the wave and feel it propel me forward into God's arms. I feel my heart break as my body fights God's arms and embrace. I feel my Spirit screaming to my flesh to just let it go and allow God to save me. But, my pride and stubborness shout at God to toss me back to sea. Of course He honors my freedom of choice and gently tosses me into the raging tempest.

This time, I am not swimming quite as far away as I normally do. This time, I can't keep my eyes off the beach. Usually, I dash down to the depths and don't give the shoreline another thought until another wave forces me to. This time, however, I am swimming the length of the beach over and over. I notice that God hasn't taken His eyes off of me. I catch a glimpse of sadness in His face. I see a longing. It couldn't be for me. I am a just a fish and an unreliable one at that. I feel the familiar pull of the wave and I know that this is as close to God as I am going to get until the tide comes in again.

Do you think God will let me stay this time? Do you think, if I ask him to, God will hold me tight enough that even my slippery, fishy body won't wriggle out of His embrace? Does He know how tired I am of fighting?

Its that time again......

2010-12-15T08:37:00.000-05:00

There's a half marathon in March that I will be running! My friend Meagen is going to run it with me. My official training begins the Monday after Christmas (27). I am EXCITED! My time to beat is 3:14:45 (I know, its super slow....that's why I am running another one!). I will keep you updated on my progress. Hopefully Meagen and I can run after school together some days.

Sigh...heavy sigh

2010-12-11T11:15:00.000-05:00

reactions from people never cease to amaze me. as soon as you think you are safe to open up....you realize you're not....too late.

2010-12-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

My little muffins recovering from his surgery (neutered).

I had a really bad day yesterday and was at a pretty low point when I picked him up from the vet. His elation at seeing me made everything right with the world. His whole body wiggled with love and excitement for his mama. He slept at my feet in front of the fireplace last night while Luke and I watched tv and then he snuggled into his bedroom in the basement for a long, warm night's sleep :)

2010-12-08T08:53:00.001-05:00

nothing is worse than a disrespectful person.........geez! Didn't everyone's parents beat them if they were disrespectful?!?! They should have.

People Pleaser

2010-11-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to be honest...up until the last few months it was really important to me what people thought. I was under the impression that for certain people I had to act a certain way. The result of this thinking was a Jamie that wasn't Jamie at all, but was a different person depending on who she was with. Perhaps it was a survival technique learned or just an attempt to be liked. I am unsure as the reason why, but I am positive that that behavior stops now.

I am who I am. This is me.

I am embracing who I am and that's an imperfect woman who isn't sugary sweet. I love the Lord with all my heart, but am not preacher wife material. I'm not sure I am even meant to teach Sunday school. I make wine, I drink wine, I dirty dance, and I cuss at times. I am a walking contradiction.

I love fiercely, and allow my passion to cloud my judgement. I am overprotective of ALL those that I call "mine". Those that I love I claim as my own. If you hurt those that I love once, then that's enough for me not to like you for a lifetime. I know its not right, but that's my heart.

I have a tough time with authority. I am my own boss and I hate it when someone has an opinion on how I choose to live my life. I also hate it when people don't share those opinions with me.

I hate passive aggressiveness, but can show it with the best of them.

I hate to lose and will do anything not to. Anything.

I don't let things go and hold grudges.

I am more quickly angered than appeased.

I expect forgiveness but don't show it.

but

I will give you the shirt off my back if you need it. I really do have a big heart. A big one. I cry easily.

I truly try to be the best wife a girl can be. I love Luke with all my heart and try to put him first with everything.

At the beginning of each day I dedicate it to the One that allowed me to wake up and I try and look with His eyes and see the world. I am not always successful, but I try and He values willingness.